“If you want to be a success, repress.” — A Businessman.
“Keep It In” will be your one-way ticket straight to the top as Karen teaches readers how they can practice repression in professional situations.
Good Afternoon Business Professionals,
I am adequately pleased to tell you that today’s column will address personal hygiene in the office environment. In the workplace, your body should be clean and unremarkable as well as free of natural human scent.
My morning grooming routine is as follows: I wake up 45 seconds before my alarm clock sounds, every day, and take a shower in a slate grey shower unit I replaced the bath tub with because baths are trivial. In the shower, I scrub myself vigorously with a pumice stone and an unscented bar of Zest brand soap. I towel off abruptly and choose from a selection of sensible taupe slacks or skirts and neutral mock turtlenecks that are uniformly folded in my dresser. I apply foundation, mascara and lipstick in seconds and arrive at work shortly thereafter. Tip: nobody should ever see you with wet hair. The dryness of your hair at all times is absolutely essential to your career success.
The workplace restroom is not a place for applying eyeliner, eating old french fries found in the bottom of your purse or crying alone. It is a place for urinating effectively and producing silent and odourless bowel movements in under five minutes. Your practical heels from SoftMoc™ should make the sound of a witch’s metronome on the tile floor, as you swiftly breeze past anyone who may be crying alone in the stall, striking fear and shame into their hearts.
Keeping the Body In
On extra long days, it is useful to keep an inconspicuous package of oil blotting cloths in the top drawer of your desk in order to maintain an optimal level of skin dryness throughout the day. Should your pores naturally excrete oils, immediately and discreetly blot your face with a tiny sheet of absorbent paper in the privacy of your cubicle. This is an important and healthy behaviour. When in the workplace, it may be useful to think of your body as a vacuum-sealed container. If it helps to keep everything in, sit up very straight and hold your breath. Should you feel indigestion, gas, heartburn or a bladder infection coming on, fix a steely gaze out the nearest window and repeat inwardly “I have complete control” until symptoms dissipate.
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