Hello. My name is Mark Carbonza. I am afflicted by many irrational fears and aversions. This column is dedicated to my journey in explaining my fears, but then conquering them. This week’s fear: Long absences.
Long absences freak me out because
when something/someone is gone long enough for me to notice, something is amiss. It raises many questions. Terrifying questions. Like, “How could someone with chronic myopia like myself miss this?”
Why should you be freaked out by long absences?
Why?! YOU ASK ME WHY?! You’re not afraid of long absences? I salute your bravery. Take a medal while the rest of us struggle to come to terms with the very real prospect that they/it are/is gone and eternal loneliness is all that’s left. But only take one medal. Honour system!
The Plan of Action
Experience how the other half lives during a long absence.
1. Find something easy to take time away from. (This column on The Nicessist should be sufficient.)
2. Become absent while still being mindful of the duration. (How long must I be absent until I am longed for?)
3. Come back if it’s too scary or after about two months, which ever comes first. (Two months should be sufficient if I even make it that long)
At first I thought, “Okay, just don’t post anything. It’s gonna be so easy.” And it was. It turns out taking a long absence is extremely easy when you get interested/distracted by something else.
Turns out anything and everything is better than doing something you’re “supposed to do” (insert picture of Britney Spears shaving her head). It’s not even like this column is imposed on me or anything. I do this for fun (but you already knew that, didn’t you?).
But the second it became a little routine, I just realized that I can treat it like a job and be like “ughhhh…this again?” But now that I’m back, I realize I still love it. So not only did I work on my fear of long absences, but I’ve also gotten over my fear of commitment.
Of course, this would be all for nothing if my long absence didn’t strike the fear into your hearts. So, did you miss me?
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