How To Self-Diagnose Yourself With a Mental Illness in 3 Easy Steps

self-diagnosis
“Hooray! I have bipolar!”

We’re all looking for an explanation for why we are the way we are and with our help, you might just find the answer. 

1) What does your degree say?

If you have a degree, double check what it’s in. If it’s in psychology or psychiatry, breathe in some toxic fumes until you have permanently destroyed the part of your brain where you stored your knowledge of the human mind and its irrational tendencies. If you have a degree in something other than psychology or psychiatry, or better yet no degrees at all, don’t worry about huffing toxic fumes and proceed to the next step.

2) Think about what you want to achieve with your self-diagnosis

Do you want people to be worry about you and dote on you? Or would you rather be left alone? Type your self-diagnosis goals into a search engine and see what comes up. With today’s advanced search engine technology, you are bound to find the mental illness you can exploit for personal gain that’s right for you within in the first 500000000 results. Once you’ve found one you are comfortable saying with a straight face–for example, “I have seasonal affective disorder.”–convince yourself that this is a real mental illness you have, that it has been diagnosed by a real mental health professional and be prepared for a whole new you. A new you that receives more sympathy and leeway for erratic, rude, lethargic behaviour. 

3) DO NOT do any additional research

Doing additional research on mental illness will only cloud your self-diagnosis. You’ll pause and to think, “Postpartum depression only happens in women who have recently given birth and I am an infertile man. That can’t make sense.” The reason you have taken it upon yourself to do work reserved for qualified mental health professional is not because you want facts. My goodness, no. It’s all about picking one that sounds good to get people off your back.

Of course, in the event that you are legitimately concerned you have a mental illness, please consult with a mental health professional. Maybe I should have mentioned this at the top but this is a guide for people who aren’t genuinely concerned with their mental health because they believe they can wade through the complexities of mental health with nothing more than a computer. And unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

If you’re concerned about the stigma of seeing a mental health professional, please read this as it was written with the intention of boosting your confidence. 

If not, then enjoy boasting about your hot, new mental illness you decided you had! Even if it’s not 100% real or accurate, it still gets people talking about mental illness which can only be a good thing. 


Are you a Nicessist? If so, follow us on Twitter @TheNicessist or Like The Nicessist on Facebook to better receive a better understanding of your self-diagnosed personality disorder.


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