I Deserve Reparations Because This Skateboarding Dog Is a Better Skater Than Me


Otto, an English bulldog from Peru, just set the new world record for “longest human tunnel traveled through by a skateboarding dog,” and it’s really unfair. 

We’ll get into why it’s unfair, but first watch Otto set the new world record for some arbitrary bullshit that I could have totally done with my eyes closed but no one would care because I’m not an adorable bulldog, I’m just an adorable boy.

Otto is clearly very cute passing through that exceptionally long human tunnel, but is it really fair to be awarding skateboard world records to a dog that cannot kickflip? 

Since the invention of the modern kickflip in the early 1980s, a skater’s worth has been judged on one thing and one thing alone: “Hey can you kickflip?” This a request every skateboarder has been faced with millions of times in their skateboarding career and has deterred many more from ever pursuing the hobby sport lifestyle/art. Thanks for nothing, Rodney Mullen.

I just think there’s a double standard here, which is unfair, especially since it’s being supported by such a reputable periodical (The Guinness-Motherf*cking-Booking-of-Motherf*cking-World-Records). Why is the merit of a human skateboarder judged on the success of landing a kickflip upon request while a skateboarding dog can receive fame, acclaim and prestigious awards for not falling over?

It’s not cute, it’s a travesty. I can’t help but think about the ten-thousand hours I wasted trying to get the board to rotate underneath me to gain the acceptance and approval of my peers when I could have just donned a dog costume and actually be a success at something.

For their perpetuation of double standards and making me feel like I’ve wasted my time, I demand reparations from Guinness–say the brand new edition of the Guinness Book of World Records?–as well as a formal apology from Otto for making something I was (up until minutes ago) passionate about seem trivial.

If dog really was man’s best friend, he wouldn’t go to great lengths such as these to humiliate me.

What do you think?

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