Burping is the most natural form of capitalist expression but at what point does one need to draw a line?
The average human being burps anywhere between 13 to 21 times a day, according to some quack that calls himself WebMD. I’m hesitant to accept those numbers as anything but dubious because I have been meticulously recording every belch that slips past my lips for the better part of a decade and have found that I burp 13 to 21 times an hour. Needless to say, there’s nothing wrong with burping that much, despite doctors wanting to label it excessive, because that would mean that there’s something wrong with me, which is such a ludicrous assertion that we shall not address it further.
Instead we must ask: is burping between 312 to 504 times a day excessive? You may think so because you’re always siding with those so-called “medical professionals”. But let me ask you this: if it weren’t for all this burping, how else would the world know that I am a good capitalist? Through a penchant for rock n’ roll and blue jeans? Quit living in the past and start burping more is what I say to that.
Though it’s strongly discouraged by all the medical professionals I consulted with in preparing this piece because they say, “we have no idea what the longterm health effects of an esophageal sphincter this overactive,” burping in excess of 300 times a day really is a good thing because it signifies 3 things:
- I eat, drink and inhale goods at a rate that would make Karl Marx red in the face in order to have enough methane, nitrogen and CO2 to burp over 300 times a day.
- I have money, a lot of it, in order to pay for the goods I eat, drink and inhale at a rate that would make Karl Marx red in the face.
- Spending all this money to keep myself burping 312-504 times a day is good for the fledgling world economy.
If it weren’t for my “excessive” burping, who can say that I wouldn’t be carted away to testify in front of HUAC?
So how much burping is too much burping? There is no such thing as too much burping because every burp, big and small, is a pledge of allegiance to the capitalist system. You are entitled to think it’s rude or even cause for medical concern but I encourage all of you to eat, drink and inhale everything your body will allow as quickly as you can because burping is the only way we can safely show solidarity in these tumultuous times of change.