FAQ’d by Shaq: PDA

Shaq MacNeil is an expert with answers to the world’s most frequently asked questions. Today, Shaq MacNeil answers the most frequently asked questions about the world’s most dreaded acronym: PDA

PDA Faq'd

Shaq, what is PDA?

Great question.

If it was 2005, I would ask you to clarify whether or not you were referring to personal digital assistants or public displays of affection. But since no one in their right mind should be asking serious questions about personal digital assistants (iPhone, ever heard of it? You should because it is the most important status symbol of our time), allow me to go full steam ahead in my assumption that you want to know more about public displays of affection.

Shaq, why do people hate public displays of affection?

Great question.

The short answer is: public displays of affection make people uncomfortable. But why?

Jealousy is the go-to explanation why people look at public displays of affection unfavourably. However, this is a fallacy perpetuated by people engaging in public displays of affection. Does your public make out session illicit anger and discomfort from me when I’m just trying to mind my own business because I am reminded that I have no one to share my life with and would desperately like to know what it feels like to be touched by another human being? Of course not! I don’t want to swapping spit with your busted ass boyfriend. Well, maybe a little bit…

What makes public displays of affection inherently uncomfortable for the passive viewer is not a sense of jealousy but concern. If two or more people are willing to engage in public displays of affection in spite of the dismay of those around them, then why do we have any reason to believe that they are taking the necessary precautions when things are taken to the next level? They have thrown caution to the wind when it comes to making out in public, surely they have no regard for STI-prevention and birth control. That is why public displays of affection are so hated. No one wants to see the foreplay to an accidental conception. Knowing there will be another mouth suckling on society’s teet makes us uncomfortable. It’s definitely not because we’re a potent cocktail of jealous and lonely. Goodness no.

Shaq, what displays of affection are appropriate in public?

Great question.

A firm handshake will do. Anything more must be saved for behind closed doors.

Shaq, what about sex in public?

Great question.

As long as it’s discreet and unaffectionate, sex in public is fine.

Shaq, if I don’t display my affections in public, how will the world be jealous of me and my relationship?

Great question.

First of all, your public displays of affection were never making people jealous. They only succeeded in conveying to everyone that you could care less about safe sex, which is a quality to be envious of but it ain’t right to be so carefree about something so serious.

If the sole purpose of your relationship is to make people jealous, consider ending your relationship. Love is highly subjective and pretty much everyone has it, including me. I definitely have a lot of people that love me. No need to ask for names, just take my word for it. Because love…actually…is…all around. The basic principles of economics states that anything as ubiquitous as love has little to no value. So rather than waste your time cultivating a loving relationship to make others jealous, focus your time and effort into amassing material wealth. Get things that few people have like an electric sports car. That will make people jealous.

Shaq, what now?

Great question.

If you have a topic that you need FAQ’d by Shaq, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Send your topics for FAQing to @TheNicessist or @ShaqMucReal on Twitter.

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