Word around town is we are in for a wet, warm winter thanks to our boy, the boy, El Niño. Are you prepared to survive a winter of wet and warm? With this new Nicessist Guide sponsored by wetsuits you are.
Go on get yourself a new pair of boots. You deserve it! Preferably waterproof boots, but if there is a pair that ain’t waterproof but they still look super good on you, get those. No matter what, our feet are gonna be soaking wet from DEC to MAR so you might as well treat yourself and look good.
2. Minimizing Wetness
Since you have already sacrificed dryness for style (because let’s face it, boots that aren’t waterproof simply look better because they are more expensive and wear down faster), it is imperative that you minimize wetness on every part of your body besides your paws. The best way to minimizing wetness is thinking about sleeping with your former-father-in-law, am I right ladies? is to invest in a wetsuit. Purchasing a wetsuit will cost between $191.00 to $211.00 according to Scuba.com.
That might sound steep but in fact it’s a great deal if you wear it for the entire duration of winter, 504ish hours, never take it off, stay dry all the time, wetness ain’t got shit on me, unzip maybe for a quick air-out every now and then or perhaps to sprinkle some baby powder on your chaffed body but otherwise always wearing it and no you can’t take it off to shower and yes it is also a spandex chastity belt, it’s totally worth the price. Rentals are like $150 an hour. I don’t have $75,600 lying around to spend on wetsuits to wear all season. Buy the wetsuit. After a full 144 hours of wearing it, the wetsuit practically makes you money!
Of course, you could forego buying a wetsuit, turning it into a second water-resist epidermis and just die from the deadly cocktail that is pruney skin and pneumonia.
3. DON’T GAIN WEIGHT
Warm winter means a quick spring and an early summer. Fan-f*cking-tastic. Thank you to New Orleans and Miami for sacrificing themselves to humanity’s greatest adversary, the Ocean. We appreciate the early summers. There is a catch to 21&Sun in April though…
Being damp for three and a half months might make you want to be sedentary. You know, pay up on the Netflix tax and gain weight. You can’t because there won’t be a long enough transition through spring to get your beach bod back. Maintain your perfect body now so you don’t get sand kicked in your face, ya bum. Buy the wetsuit. Staying dry is the only surefire way you can keep your current hot bod til early summer.
4. Say goodbye to your pets
Unless you have the means to build an arc, your pets can’t come with you to early summer. Instead, you will have to set them free. Maybe if they made wetsuits for pets you wouldn’t have to callously release them into the flooded city streets. More reason to buy the wetsuit, I suppose, because Scuba.com donates $1 to WetPets, the research group dedicated to designing the first-ever wetsuit for pets, with every wetsuit sold.
5. Don’t trust anyone
Weather is always wrong! This is why climate change is a national security threat. It has made the weather more volatile and unpredictable, which is dangerous because meteorology was already wrong ALL THE TIME. We can only predict the weather when it’s already happening.
For all we know, our boy–the boy–El Niño isn’t acting up to give us a wet and warm winter. He’s just trying to swell up some killer waves for us to surf in Earth’s newest season, Summer II. If that’s the case, you are definitely going to want to have a wetsuit on hand because even though the new season from DEC to MAR is called Summer II, it doesn’t mean the water’s gonna be warm, ok bro?
There it is. Surviving the wet and warm winter made easy all thanks to wetsuits.
I’d like to thank our sponsor Scuba.com for providing us with the necessary literature to complete this Nicessist Guide. For all your scuba needs, there’s only one URL you need to remember: Scuba.com.