Breaking up is tough but at least with this Nicessist Guide you’ll be able to let them down easy.
Step 1: Are you sure you want to do this?
‘Cause there’s no going back.
If you are not 100% convinced that there’s no rekindling the spark then you must take one minute to think it over. Letting them down easy is a commitment. But do not spend more than 60 seconds to dwell on it because reminiscences of a healthy, active sex life will cloud your judgement.
Step 2: Dismantling.
Now that you’ve thought it over and are committed to letting them down easy, you must slowly decrease your activity until none is the norm. Tell your partner, as well as friends and family, you’re taking a break from the sense of self-importance Twitter and Facebook gives you so that their deletion doesn’t rouse suspicion.
Once your internet presence is non-existent, cut up your credit cards. Cold hard cash is the only currency you’ll be using from now on so you can be untraceable once you are ready to let them down easy.
Step 3: Finding the new you.
Settle on an alias, head down to the county courthouse and fill out an application to change your name. The court will typically run an ad in the local newspaper once a week for a month to see if anyone has an objection to the request. If there are no objections after 30 days, the court will then rule on the name change. Then all you need to do is pay the low, low price of $39.95 and you will be the proud new owner of a new identity complete with birth certificate, social insurance number and the backstory of your choice!
If you are worried that the person you are going to let down easy will spot your request for a name chance, don’t be! No one cares about local news, especially when it is printed in a newspaper.
Step 4: Departure.
Early in the morning (or late afternoon if they work overnight), collect the essentials and slip out while your partner is asleep. Make sure you have all your new identification and plenty of cash before you go. Then it’s simply a matter of being very, very quiet so that you don’t get caught.
If you are suddenly struck with a guilty feeling, leave a vague note on a post-it for them to find long after you have left. Ten words max. The longer it is, the more chance you have of subconsciously writing in a code for your partner to crack and reveal your new location.
To ensure your partner will not chase after you, leave behind a receipt for a flight to Lima, Peru paid in cash. They will, obviously, think that’s where you are headed and will either try to stop you at the gate a la rom-com or follow you to Lima to kill you. Little do they know that you’re not going to Lima. You’re not even going to the airport. You’re headed to the train station and getting on the first train to Grand Rapids, Michigan to lay low for a minute before you fly to the place where everyone goes to reinvent themselves: New York City.
Step 5: Adjusting to your new life.
When you are hiding out in a motel room in Grand Rapids, Michigan, take some time to practice saying your new backstory. Say it in the mirror until you start to believe it. It’s not a lie if you believe it! After enough practice, the memories of your family and friends will fade and you’ll be ready to emerge from your roadside chrysalis as Sydney Bristow, an orphaned veterinarian school dropout whose past is littered with glaring inconsistencies.
Breaking up is tough. So tough that it’s always a better idea to erase any trace of who you are and start all over again than speaking to them directly. Vanishing into thin air is the easiest way to let them down.