A World Health Organization report states roughly 2/3 of the world’s population has herpes. It’s a full-on herpes epidemic and here’s what we can do to slow it down.
Herpes comes in two flavours: herpes simplex 1 virus (HSV-1) and herpes simplex 2 virus (HSV-2). Traditionally, the herpes simplex 1 virus was thought to be no big deal because it only caused painful sores on the lip for everyone to gawk at. Meanwhile, herpes simplex 2 was the sexually transmitted kind, turning people’s genitals into a red, bumpy mess.
However, that may no longer be true. According to the WHO’s report, HSV-1 is spreading into HSV-2’s turf (the genitals) thanks to the popularity of oral sex. This means both kinds flavours of herpes can be spread to the genitals, making it twice as likely to catch blisters on your dick than before.
Until a cure for the infection is found, the only thing we can do to ensure that the entire human race does not contract herpes is to abstain from oral sex ever until further notice.
Some of you may think this idea is ludicrous, but the fact remains that mouth-on-genital contact has never been riskier. Whatever upside you may ascribe to oral sex is no doubt overshadowed by a life free from stigma, blisters and discomfort.
“BUT HOW WE WILL WE LIVE WITHOUT ORAL SEX?” is probably what you are shouting right now.
Same way we always have. Except without oral sex and without the worry that we might wake up once an incurable rash all over our organs and lips, coming and going as it pleases.
Besides, maybe if we surrender oral sex to herpes, maybe the loss of fellatio and cunnilingus will motivate someone to get off their butt and find a cure for herpes because the fact that 3.7 billion people have it hasn’t seen any progress in the matter.
Until then, we are fully licensed to decline performing oral sex. We may be labelled selfish lovers but realistically we are just avoiding it for health.