Hello. My name is Mark Carbonza. I am afflicted by many irrational fears and aversions. This column is dedicated to my journey in explaining my fears, but then conquering them.
This week’s fear: Cyborgs.
WHY THEY FREAK ME OUT
OH, REALLY?! You mean to tell me that YOU’RE not freaked out by them, too? The humans who can peel their skin off to reveal OMG WTF ROBOT PARTS?!
WHY YOU SHOULD BE FREAKED OUT BY THEM
BECAUSE THEY’RE LIVING A LIE!
Also, sometimes they can be a bit unpredictable:
THE PLAN OF ACTION
- Find a cyborg.
- Ask cyborg to date you.
- Go on date with said cyborg
- Gain her robot trust by entering a committed relationship with her for several months.
- When engaging in physical intimacy, attempt to peel off a piece of her “skin” and reveal some robot parts.
- CALL THE POLICE!
EXECUTION: THE PATH TO PROGRESS WHOAGRESS™
1. Find a cyborg.
This step was easy as I assume they are all around us. I went to a nearby bar and ordered a drink called the Rusty Mechanic. A lady-robot (I assume) at the bar turned to me and said, “That’s a bold drink.” To which I replied, “Not as bold as those eyes.” Her facial mechanisms formed a smile. I must say, the scientists or aliens that created her really captured human likeness.
2. Ask cyborg to date you.
This required some convincing. I told lady-robot that I am a scientist testing out my fears in the world. I then added that I could tell her more “over dinner sometime.”
3. Go on date with said cyborg.
What I thought was particularly strange about this cyborg was that she claimed to be allergic to shellfish. Why create a cyborg with any flaws? We had a very nice time. I told her about my past and she recited the past that was programmed into her. It was very realistic. Scarier than I anticipated.
This column will earn me an award for bravery, I’m certain.
4. Gain her robot trust by entering a committed relationship with her for several months.
We dated for several months and I recognized a few flaws in her design. For example, she can only retain so much information as she forgets quite a bit and one of her forearms has not been dressed with synthetic flesh. However, I charmed my way into the oil-pumping chest mechanism and into her friend group. They offered charming anecdotes about Lisa (I’m sure it’s really spelled L13354) that I am sure were programmed into them as well.
During moments of intimacy, I slipped in references to her robot parts. Her reaction was usually to call me a “silly billy” and brush it off with laughter. Very silly indeed.
5. When engaging in physical intimacy, attempt to peel off a piece of her “skin” and reveal some robot parts.
It turns out that the skin is much more difficult to remove than I suspected. The cyborg is also programmed to react favourably to some scratching during coitus. It’s strange, but very arousing, so I’ll be right back.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. So uh, her skin is really soft. It’s very nice. However, as she slept, I attempted to remove a bit of her leg skin. She awoke angrily and bleeding. We rushed her to the hospital and she told me to never come back again. Interesting cyborg defence mechanism! Or maybe…
6. CALL THE POLICE WIN HER BACK
You mean I was in a genuinely successful relationship with a nice woman who may or may not have had a high-tech prosthetic and who wasn’t a cyborg? My crippling fear of cyborgs taking over has overshadowed my potential of ever finding love!
Lisa, if you’re reading this or scanning it with your optical drive, please say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, red lips and rosy cheeks, say you’ll see me again… even if it’s in your wildest dreams.
NOT-CONQUEREDSHIP™ AT ALL!