Obama’s drone program took a big PR hit when leaked documents detailing the inner-workings surfaced online on October 15th, 2015.
In case you haven’t read The Intercept’s Drone Papers, the Obama administration’s “targeted killings” by drone strikes policy is basically assassinations with a more palatable name and a success rate of about 10 per cent. According to the leak, 90% of people killed by Obama-led drone strikes are innocent people. Does this mean Barry has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?
This revelation is bad for the drone program’s already shaky image. Drones have become the US military’s weapon of choice because they are supposed to be able to deliver precision strikes without the need for more intrusive military action. And since a 10 per cent success rate isn’t exactly what we’d call precision, the US military and the White House are going to need to cook up a PR campaign that’s absolutely gangbusters to wash off all that innocent blood on their hands if drones are here to stay.
Lucky for them, we have taken the initiative of coming up with # ways the drone program can repair its image in exchange for not calling a drone strike on us. Here they are now.
Check drones into rehab
Checking into rehab: the surefire way to redeem any person or thing, including drones. Would you still be disturbed by the drone program’s abysmal success rate if you knew it was because drones had a substance abuse problem? Of course not! Addiction is a disease. Getting the proper help to overcome said disease that caused all those innocent people to die absolves them of their atrocities. Just look at Robert Downey Jr. He went to rehab, got clean and now everybody loves him again. The same thing can happen for the drone program.
Drones appear as surprise guest at Taylor Swift concert
Celebrity endorsements are another surefire way of redeeming something that’s fallen out of favour. And there’s no bigger celebrity willing to collaborate with anyone, no matter how bizarre, than Taylor Swift. Getting drones to come out and sing a special song for one lucky audience is bound to overshadow the bleak revelations of the leaked reports.
Drones rebrand with emojis
Pepsi did it earlier this year and it went great! Normally you look at a Pepsi and you’re like, “Not fucken’ yum. Give me a refreshing and healthy Coca-Cola.” But then Pepsi went ahead and put emojis on their labels and it was like, “Woah! Pepsi is delicious!” Slap an emoji on a drone before takeoff and they’ll be so cute and cuddly that no one could stay mad at them. Just avoid the eggplant. The drone program doesn’t also need a sexual harassment problem.
Kill fewer innocent people
Just a thought ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Manufacture special condolence drones
If there’s no way to reduce the number of innocent people killed by drones, the least they could do is manufacture special condolence drones to show their remorse for accidentally killing an innocent person. Rather than equip these drones with firepower, make their payloads bursting with “Sorry for your loss”-notes and gift certificates to fire at the mourning to ease their pain after the initial shock of “Oh shit! They’re coming for me now!”
The drone program isn’t perfect, but at least with these 5 ways to repair the drone program’s image, they won’t appear as barbaric and evil as they do now.