The Nicessist Guide to The Best Sex of Your Life


It’s just been OK…until now.


Sex is subjective. Different strokes get off different folks. So in the future, you should be skeptical about clicking on an article that has the audacity to claim that it knows anything about you, your sexual preferences and that it can somehow ensure you have more satisfying sex.

That said, our method is tried and true because¬†The Nicessist Guide to the Best Sex of Your Life is founded on a simple maxim: “Longing makes the heart grow fonder.”

Yes, the longer you abstain from sex with your partner, the quality of sex will grow exponentially.

However, you are most likely a moral-less millennial who cannot be trusted to abstain from sex. That’s why it’s important to get married to the person you love (or at least a person with whom you have good sexual chemistry with), get convicted of a non-violent, non-sexual crime and go directly to jail.

In jail, you’ll find that being held against your will from the one you love and not being able to have sex with them will make you very, very, very, really horny. So horny that even the softest of breezes when you’re roaming around the yard during recreation time makes you climax.

Since the person you love/are sexually compatible with is your legal spouse, you are entitled to schedule a conjugal visit. In case you don’t know, a conjugal visit¬†is a scheduled period in which an inmate of a prison or jail is permitted to spend several hours or days in private with a visitor. It’s not limited to legal spouses but you might as well get hitched just in case because it will be an easier sell to that crusty, old warden.¬†

Then, when you are sequestered in a private space, you may copulate and have the best sex of your life. By non-inmate standards, the sex you and your partner have may not actually be that good. But as far as your inmate ass is concerned, it will be the best damn sex of your life. Longing makes the heart grow fonder. 

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