FAQ’d by Shaq: Bras

Professional expert Shaq MacNeil answers the most frequently asked questions about how we measure how much support a person needs: bras.

Shaq, what are bras?

Great question.

I don’t know. I have never seen one, touched one, been erotically asphyxiated by one or unhooked one just by blowing gently on the clasp. Even though bras aren’t really in my area of expertise, I’ll do my best to answer these great questions.

Shaq, how are bras sized?

Great question.

If you assume bras are sized by taking measurements, you would be incorrect. Bras are sized through complex calculus equations. Sure, using measuring tape seems like a lecherously efficient way to determine how the four varieties of cups–A, B, C, D–can correspond to the deluge of different bodies types out there in the world. But only through complex calculations can fashion-scientists figure out how 3-ish billion different bodies can all fit into categories arbitrarily assigned to corresponding letters in the 70s.

Shaq, how do I know what bra size is right for me?

Great question.

There’s no surefire way to know what bra size is right for you. The human body is a strange and fascinating thing. Always growing/shrinking/wrinkling. Just hold them titties tight and whisper to them like you have a secret and they might give an answer. But don’t assume that their answer will stay the same forever.

Shaq, why are bras worn? 

Great question.

Because breasts need to be supported or else they will fall off? I gotta say, “because breasts need to be supported” sounds a bit too much like the recently-debunked medical fact, “women need to wear corsets to keep their stomachs working.” Hopefully bras are worn for comfort. If it’s not comfortable, stop doing it. Life tip from me to you: anything in life that impedes you from maximizing your comfort at all times isn’t worth your time.

Shaq, should I burn my bra?

Great question.

You’d be on the right track if you did. A burning bra is a classic way to release one’s self from the cotton shackles of oppression. If you really want to make a statement, stuff the bra in a liquor bottle filled with flammable liquid. Burn the bra only if you are serious about making a statement and throw it in the general direction of your statement’s intended recipient.

So Shaq, what now?

Great question.

If you have a topic that you need FAQ’d by Shaq, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Send your topics for FAQing to @TheNicessist or @ShaqMucReal on Twitter.

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