Mark Carbonza Conquers His Fears: Thunderstorms

My name is Mark Carbonza. I am afflicted by many irrational fears and aversions. This column is dedicated to my journey in explaining my fears, but then conquering them.

This week’s fear: THUNDERSTORMS!

WHY THEY FREAK ME OUT

Thunderstorms can be described in many terrifying ways.

THAT’S JUST ONE REASON THEY FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT!

How terrifying can we get? LET’S FIND OUT!

Thunderstorms are born of blackened clouds. They’re concentrated hate clouds that rain down the drool of a sky demon who can’t STOP PLAYING BOWLING! Where do they come from? Where do they go? Where do they come from? Cotton? I think so! COTTON EVAPORATES INTO THE SKY AND GETS ANGRY THAT IT’S BEEN TAKEN SKYWARD AND TURNS ANGRY AND SHITS LOUDNESS!

Speaking of that loudness, ever notice that it always comes at a delay? THERE’S A GODDAMN LIGHT IN THE SKY THAT MAKES A NOISE LIKE A SHITTY VENTRILOQUIST! WHAT’S THAT ALL ABOUT?!

(insert picture of Mark back in his ventriloquist days)

THUNDERSTORMS: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US?

Also, can’t they blind us or something? Like if you look at lightning directly? Or if you stare upwards and let the water just hit your eyes continuously?

WHY YOU SHOULD BE FREAKED OUT BY THEM

GODDAMN IT, JUST FUCKING TRUST ME!

THE PLAN OF ACTION

  1. Buy sunglasses. DO NOT WEAR YET!
  2. Buy a strobe light. DO NOT PLUG IN YET!
  3. Make a spreadsheet detailing the expenses for this article.
  4. Practice not being blinded by sitting in front of the strobe light.
  5. Buy earplugs.
  6. Use pre-owned flamethrower to evaporate an entire lake.
  7. Wait a few days. DO SOME STUFF TOO, THOUGH!
  8. Dance in a thunderstorm (preferably Whip/Nae Nae).

EXECUTION: THE PATH TO PROGRESS WHOAGRESS

  1. Buy sunglasses. DO NOT WEAR YET!

This step was easy as pie,

BONUS CARBONZA INFORMATION TIME!: Mark doesnt like pie, but knows ITS SUPER EASY!

I visited a Sunglasses Hut. I demanded they show me their wares and they did. They did it. I asked “will these protect my eyes from thunder?” Then the salesperson said “Uh, haha, well actually, what you see is lightening and what you hear is thunder. So I guess in a way, yeah, they will!”

What a diiiiiick! Why condescend to me? I walked away and went to a nearby shop and said “EYES NEED PRIVACY!” They threw a pair at me and shouted back “TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT JUST DON’T HURT US!” I agreed not to hurt them, but also insisted on paying for the sunglasses. Because one of my BIGGEST FEARS is having a run in with the law.

  1. Buy a strobe light. DO NOT PLUG IN YET!

I would just like to begin with some honesty: I failed this step.

I purchased the strobe light from a washed up DJ who now works in marketing at a nearby clothing HQ (Insert photo of Mark’s buddy Brad, on the phone, waving Mark away because he’s busy).

BUT THE TIMING COULD NOT BE BETTER! My apartment’s one lamp’s bulb burnt out and I needed a way to see!

(Insert photo of Mark holding a thumbs up in the darkness. Pitch black.)

So I plugged it in and cooked a meal using the strobe and I felt like I was in a stop-motion animated film.

(Insert photo of Mark watching Coraline)

Bonus BIG CITY LIVINTIP!: Get a strobe light for your apartment, and become an instant movie star!

Unfortunately, having no way to shield my eyes, I did develop a bit of a headache when I decided to try reading the latest Mindy Kaling book with my new lighting.

  1. Make a spreadsheet detailing the expenses for this article.

Ugh. Booooooooooring.

(Insert photo of Mark asleep at his computer at a desk.)

  1. Practice not being blinded by sitting in front of the strobe light.

By wearing the sunglasses and sitting in front of the strobe light, I realized that I would have to watch a thunderstorm in quadruple-thousandouple time to replicate my training. I felt ready…

  1. Buy earplugs.

BUT I WAS MISTAKEN! (Insert a photo of Edvard Munch’s The Scream)

In the last step, I realized that I am not entirely afraid of being blinded as my eyes seem to be hyper-resilient. But rather, when I knocked over a shelf full of tambourines, marbles and rock salt, I realized that I am in fact way more terrified by the sounds of a thunderstorm. That and because they’re made of hate!
SO I ADDED THIS STEP IN! AND BOUGHT EAR PLUGS. NOW I CAN’T HEAR MUCH BUT I CAN STILL HEAR MYSELF IF I SPEAK LOUDLY!

  1. Use pre-owned flamethrower to evaporate an entire lake.

I already have a flamethrower. That’s public knowledge.

(Insert photo of public records.)

I also did some research about how to make thunderstorms.

(Insert photo of Mark looking at a science tube, with a finger running along the page of a big textbook on top of another textbook named “THUNDERSTORMS HATE YOU! MAKE YOURS TODAY!”)

Apparently, water in a lake or whatever needs to evaporate, which is a fancy, scientific word for “RETURN TO GOD AND BLACKEN THE SKIES WITH RAGE!”

Ultimately, the clouds swell and blacken until an unknown presence squeezes the floaty pillow sky sponges and BOOM! THUNDER LIGHTNING AND RAIN RAIN RAIN! TERROR AND SCARY OH NO!

So, I grabbed my flamethrower and made that lake disappear uptimes!

(Insert photo of fire. JUST LOTS OF FIRE!)

And now, the waiting game begins…

  1. Wait a few days. DO SOME STUFF TOO, THOUGH! 

OR SO I THOUGHT! BECAUSE THE WAITING BEGAN RIGHT AFTERWARDS!

I had to wait for a couple of days before the the storm would unleash.

So…how are you? Really think about that?Really? Do you believe what you are saying? NO WAIT! I HAVE MORE STUFF TO DO!

For the final step, I need a waterproof generator and a set of waterproof loud LOUD speakers. So, I went to grab them. It’s time.

  1. Dance in a thunderstorm (preferably Whip/Nae Nae).

Once the storm began, I played my new favourite song on the extra loud speakers and danced in the rain with my sunglasses. Whipping and NaeNaeing. Just doing the damn thing.

Thunderstorms can’t blind me. Thunderstorms can’t deaf me.

But lightning can strike you. Which I learned. By BEING FUCKING STRUCK BY LIGHTNING! BE AFRAID OF LIGHTNING! IT HURT SO MUCH!

PLEASE DON’T GO OUT SIDE IN THE BLINDING LIGHTNING! 

CONQUERSHIP STATUS:

UN-NOT-SO-MUCH-CONQUEREDSHIP™ BE AFRAID BE TERRIFIED OF LIGHTNING!

But not thunderstorms.


 

Mark Carbonza sometimes dons a wig and performs as comedian Mike Carrozza. You can follow him on Twitter @mikecarrozza or find out more about him on mikecarrozza.com.


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