Ted Cruz: The Unauthorized Biography

Why is a Canadian running for President of the United States while simultaneously trying to shutdown the federal government and make the Republican party implode on itself?

It’s all very confusing but we’ll do our best to explain Ted Cruz. 


On December 22nd, 1970, two badgers gave birth to a human not far from Ghost Lake in Alberta, Canada. Knowing that it would be in their human son’s best interest to be raised by humans, the badgers bundled up the baby and sent him on his way down Bow River.

The baby was found by Rafael Cruz and Eleanor Wilson, the owners of a Mom & Pop seismic-data processing firm for oil drilling out for a walk on the Bow River parkway, who decided to raise him as their own and name him Ted. 

After four frigid years in Calgary, the Cruz’s moved to Texas. Though Calgary is essentially just a cold Dallas, Cruz had trouble adjusting to life in Texas. He spent most of his childhood and adolescence a loner, feeling displaced by the fact that he was not like all the other boys and girls. Not only was he a Canadian in the heartland, he was technically a badger among men.

Cruz would find solace in the Bible as the story of Moses in the reeds was so similar to his own. Once he ploughed through the Old Testament and got to the New, he was like, “Woah…this Jesus guy has unconditional love for me?” Jesus was the first person to love Ted Cruz unconditionally. Finally feeling accepted, Cruz adopted every and all the principles one can glean from the Bible such as: no abortions, no immigrants, no gays, simpler tax codes, affordable health care for those who can already afford it, etc.

Fast-forward to 2012, after Cruz had earned his legal degree, worked for the Bush administration as a domestic policy advisor and was appointed Solicitor General of Texas, Ted Cruz was long-shot to win the Texas senatorship. However, his piety translate into victory and he would what some would describe as “the biggest upset of 2012”. 

Since being elected senator on nothing more than God’s will, Ted Cruz once lonely and perpetually painful life suddenly had a purpose. It was abundantly clear that God did not want Church and State to be separate any more. This massive responsibility, assigned by the Almighty no less, inflated Cruz’s ego in a terrifying way.

Today, while he runs for the Presidency, Cruz is intent on shutting down the government not only because it’s the mission God gave him, but because his innate badger-nature won’t let him accept that democracy is about compromise. Instead, he digs his heels into the ground and badgers all that oppose the Great Badger Prophet Ted Cruz by badgering the crap out them. So much so that Cruz became one of the only Senators in US history, if not the only, to be refused his second (additional allotted speaking time for a colleague). And if elected president, Ted Cruz’s reputation as a “consistent conservative” will lead him to dissolve the government. Upon realizing that dissolving the government is technically unconstitutional and outside of the Executive branch’s power, President Cruz will use the power of prayer to send several plagues to Capitol Hill until God’s will is done.

Cruz is practically completely loathed by his colleagues on Capitol Hill, but as long as he has God on his side (which he totally does), he shall not stop until God realizes the nuisance he’s created for all His creation and unleashes another plague to rid us of this unbearable badgering.

And that, my friends, is a 100% accurate, unauthorized biography of Ted Cruz.

One thought on “Ted Cruz: The Unauthorized Biography

  1. I have not been impressed with Ted from what I have seen of him to-date. Today, after reading your summary, let me take the politically correct high road and just say his chances haven’t improved towards getting my vote.


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