FAQ’d by Shaq: Cologne

Professional expert Shaq MacNeil answers the most frequently asked questions about the number cause of spontaneous-asphyxiation: cologne. 


Shaq, what is the difference between perfume and cologne?

Great question.

Cologne is technically a perfume that was invented in Cologne, Germany. The key difference is in their strength. Your average perfumes can last on the body for 6 to 8 hours whereas your average cologne generally stinks every space it has occupied for weeks to come.

Since strength is cologne’s defining quality, it’s why scholars believe it is now marketed to big, strong, classy men.

Shaq, how do I apply cologne?

Great question.

As soon as the water’s off in the shower and your beautiful body is still glistening with steamy wetness, grab the cologne bottle and spray it on every square-inch of your body. Spray some extra on your glans if you are circumcised. Then dry yourself so that you rub the cologne into every pour.

Then dress. When fully dressed, add some additional cologne so that the cotton is nice and damp for your hot date or trip to the dep. 

Shaq, when is the best time to wear cologne?

Great question.

Funerals. Sometimes the body hasn’t been embalmed properly, which can mean a real stinky evening. Thankfully, you’ll be insulated from the smell of death thanks to your own pungent brand.

Shaq, are there any side effects of wearing cologne?

Great question

You mean aside from everyone in the world seeing that you are one virile, masculine male whose olfactory receptors have been burnt to a crisp? Yes there are.

Cologne bogs you down and you can’t move fast. It also makes you yell because you can’t hear nothing through that mist.

So Shaq, what now?

Great question.

If you have a topic that you need FAQ’d by Shaq, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Send your topics for FAQing to @TheNicessist or @ShaqMucReal on Twitter.

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