The NBA has gone Hollywood as hell, but so help us we still love basketball.
If there’s one thing that we learned from doing a 30 team NHL season preview, it’s no one bothers to read all 30 entries when you are a weird ass blog with minimal sports coverage and all the effort that goes in to bashing every team is in vain.
So rather than do any analysis that you would have already seen from more credible source, we’re just gonna knock each team down a peg with a snarky prediction. After all, only 10 teams matter out of the 30. CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONES?
Without 2 Chainz halftime shows to hype them up at halftime, the Hawks will lose every road game. Coach Mike Budenholzer will be forced to give back his Coach of the Year award and his third place finish in last year’s Executive of the Year award voting.
Brad Stevens’ brilliance will bring the Celtics to another playoff berth with a losing record and first-round exit. Boston’s quest for an identity continues for another year while the Boston faithful hope that Marcus Smart learns how to shoot.
Can anyone really take an NBA roster seriously if it has Andrea Bargnani on it? With no draft picks until practically the end of the decade, the Nets have hit their ceiling as Eastern Conference bubble team. At least Joe Johnson’s albatross contract is coming off the books at the end of the season.
Even though they were able to clean up the mess from the Lance Stephenson experiment last season, the Charlotte Hornets will only be relevant when Michael Jordan suits up finally as a last ditch effort to get any kind of winning in Charlotte.
Can you teach an old dog new tricks? New coach Fred Hoiberg sure hopes so. Otherwise, we can pretty much close Chicago’s championship window. What’s really gonna hurt is if they lose Derrick Rose to lawsuit rather than injury. The Bulls already off to a great start. Derrick Rose let it slip that he’s already eyeing free agency in 2017 and then immediately broke an orbital bone that will require surgery. Hilarious!
Really great boring team. See you in the Finals! That is, if you can get there without Tristan Thompson (you probably can). Let’s hope that this season the Cavs learn how to use Kevin Love like the player he was in Minnesota and not an overpaid Channing Frye.
Dallas dodged a bullet when DeAndre Jordan backed out. Zaza Pachulia is just as effective as a Chris Paul/Blake Griffin-less Jordan. Meanwhile, Deron Williams, Wesley Matthews and Chandler Parsons need to stay out of Dirk’s way because he’s the only bright spot, again.
If Summer League-hype is any indication, Emmanuel Mudiay is headed for Rookie of Year. That is, if the Nuggets managed not to get squashed by Kenneth Faried’s massive ego over the course of the season.
After washing away all the Joe Dumars stink from recent seasons, Stan Van Gundy’s revamping of the Pistons will prove to be in vain when he dies from a turnover-related brain aneurysm. The Pistons forfeit the season in his memory.
Golden State Warriors
The NBA’s love affair with small-ball comes to an abrupt halt when Draymond Green’s effectiveness dries up after spending too many nights as Lisa Ann’s master-pimp.
The Houston Rockets became 100% more likeable this summer by trading for Ty Lawson. Even though he’s a known head-case and a DUI expert, he’s still not as bad as Patrick Beverly. James Harden has said he’s excited to play off the ball more with Lawson in the rotation. Unfortunately, Harden doesn’t realize that dribble-dribble-step-backs don’t qualify as playing off the ball.
Remember when this team almost made the Finals recently? If you do, then we are so sorry to hear you live in Indiana. Adding Monta Ellis and letting David West walk will inevitably mean that Paul George has to play a ton of PF, which he’s gone on record saying he doesn’t want to do. Upsetting your best player is just plain old smart. Very smart. At least Roy Hibbert’s gone.
If anyone can whip Josh Smith and Lance Stephenson into shape, it’s Chris Paul. Unfortunately for the Clippers, Blake Griffin’s commercial shooting schedule will conflict with most games and they will be without the services of their star, short-armed forward for most of the season. At least they have DeAndre Jordan back so that he can grab teammates rebounds and create nothing for himself offensively.
Ball movement and shot selection won’t be a strength for the 2015-2016 Lakers. Playmaking won’t be either. The team’s success hinges on Roy Hibbert regaining his confidence/defensive form and D’Angelo Russell, Julius Randle and Jordan Clarkson proving that they can be the face of a franchise. And by success, we mean 30 wins. Kobe Bryant’s presence is the only thing keeping them relevant.
Marc Gasol came back, which means Memphis can look forward to another quiet 50-win season. Consistency, toughness and all but forgotten until playoff time.
We have nothing pithy to say about the Miami Heat because they signed Gerald Green. If only every team had a reserve that could dunk like Gerald Green and maybe we wouldn’t be so mad at the NBA all the time.
Even though it’s impossible not to love the Greek Freak, we cannot forgive the Bucks owners for contributing to Scott Walker’s campaign so he’d push through a deal for taxpayers to pick up the bill on a new, privately owned stadium. Let’s hope that adding Greg Monroe turns out to be a disaster for some karmic retribution of this injustice.
This year’s all about growth for the Timberwolves. Ricky Rubio’s ankle is still injured (this probably didn’t help), so it’s up to Andrew Wiggins, Karl-Anthony Towns and Zach Lavine to show they can be players who actually suit up for games once and a while provided that Kevin Garnett doesn’t eat them alive.
New Orleans Pelicans
Anthony Davis paired with a coach that’s not offensively inept? Alvin Gentry is the guy to oversee Anthony Davis’ ascension to “best player in the world”-status. If there’s one thing that’s holding them back from being an elite NBA team, it’s Kendrick Perkins’ loveable boneheadedness. So glad you’re back for more, Perk.
New York Knicks
When are people in the Knicks organization going to learn that Carmelo Anthony can’t carry a basketball team? He can score but he’s not good for much else. Even Phil Jackson taking on a bigger role at the request of Derrick Fisher to help the Knicks understand the intricacies of an outdated system won’t help. However, we will be watching the Knicks because we don’t want to miss the gruesomeness of every bone in Kristaps Porzingis’ too-long body break on his first drive to the hoop.
Oklahoma City Thunder
So OKC wouldn’t get into luxury tax territory to keep James Harden but they did to keep Enes Kanter? Yuck. The Jazz went 19-10 after trading Kanter. Coincidence? Don’t worry, KD. Only one more year and then you can play wherever you want. Then Russ can move on as well. Move this team back to Seattle and then we’ll talk.
No current Magic player has ever averaged 20-plus points in a season. That’s a problem. New coach might change that but at least for this season, no one’s paying attention.
After Sam Hinkie trades Jahlil Okafor, Nerlens Noel, Nick Stauskas and Robert Covington for draft picks in 2020, the Philadelphia 76ers will become the first NBA team to be relegated to the D-League. Try as he might, Sam Hinkie will not find a trade partner for Joel Embiid.
Markieff Morris is now saying that Phoenix is where he wants to be. That will last for about a month before he demands a trade. Trading away their arguably biggest name won’t matter though as the crowds will flock to the Talking Stick Resort Arena, mistaking it for the real Talking Stick Resort.
Damian Lillard proves once again that he is an All-Star (reserve) while Portland proves that getting rid of 4 out of 5 starters handicaps a team. Off the floor, the Blazers will be plagued with accusations that their concessions aren’t all organic and locally-sourced. Placating the fanbase and providing them with organic, locally-sourced popcorn, hotdogs and beer hamstrings the franchise from bolstering their lineup for years to come.
Despite extensive group therapy sessions, Rajon Rondo, Demarcus Cousins and Coach Karl just never learn how to get along. Everyone gets traded for nothing because Vlade Divac has no idea how to make trades. The lone bright spot of the Kings’ season: Vlade signs Jason Williams and White Chocolate returns to the NBA!
San Antonio Spurs
Loaded. We got no snark for San Antonio. After all, isn’t the best thing about basketball stoic, unmarketable power forward stars sinking bank shots from the elbows?
Kyle Lowry’s hot, new lean look isn’t enough to distract from the fact that Dwane Casey should have been let go and they overpaid for Demarre Carroll. Oh well. At least we know that Kyle Lowry’s wife thinks he looks hot.
Rudy Gobert and Gordon Hayward can hold it down defensively, but Dante Exum is injured so don’t expect the offense to improve. Utah, just be thankful you still have an NBA team.
Shock and confusion will hit Washington when they realize that Randy Wittman is still coach. They may have the best backcourt in the East but without a third option that can hit daggers in big moments, the Wizards are going to really miss old-ass-man Paul Pierce. The truth hurts.
Strap yourselves in, NBA fans. It’s going to be a long season…