FAQ’d by Shaq: Robbing a Bank

FAQ by Shaq #12. Expert Shaq MacNeil answers the most frequently asked questions about 1930s America’s favourite pass-time, no not bootlegging: robbing a bank. 


Shaq, what is robbing a bank?

Great question.

Robbing a bank is like making a regular withdrawal, except the amount you are withdrawing is much more than usual and the stakes are slightly higher.

Shaq, how do I rob a bank?

Great question.

Just slip the teller a note that reads something like:

“Hi. Hope you are having a great day today. Would you mind giving me all the money in your vault. Thanks. Nice outfit btw. You look great.”

Shaq, don’t I need to allude to holding a gun?

Great question.

Nope. The teller will be so pleased that you’ve chosen to engage them rather than use the machine who comes closer to replacing their position every day that they will be happy to oblige you. 

Shaq, should I bring a gun just in case?

Great question.

My goodness no. Guns are very dangerous. Besides, you are going to have to run very fast with your hands full of big bills. A gun will only encumber you when you run. However, if you feel like risking shooting yourself in the foot, figuratively and literally, then by all means go for it.

Shaq, when is the best time to rob a bank?

Great question.

According to an FBI bank crime analysis from 2014, most bank robberies occur on Fridays between the hours of 9 and 11 am. Since that’s the most common time to rob a bank, we can pretty much rule that option out as most banks assume anyone entering their branch between 9 and 11 am on Fridays are there to rob them.

Instead, try going on a Wednesday right after lunch. Wednesdays are typically full of malaise for working stiffs like bank tellers. Combine this with food-enduced fatigue and you’ll be long gone before they even think to trip the silent alarm.

Shaq, how can I make sure I don’t get caught?

Great question.

Wear a disguise, dummy! How will they ever catch you if witnesses say and security footage shows you’re the type of guy to wear a real big hat. But you’re not really the type of guy to wear a big hat. They’ll be busy scouring the streets looking for a big hatted perp while you’re almost all the way to Ecuador.

Which by the way, after robbing the bank, you got to get the freak out of the country. Simply going home to Netflix and chill will get locked up. Traditionally, bank robbers sought asylum in beautiful, sunny Mexico. However, having money in Mexico is not good for your health. You’ll probably end up dismembered by drug lords. So keep rolling south until you’ve reached the non-extradition country of your choice.

Also, you can’t spend any of the money you stole because it’s definitely armed with dye packs. Should you go anywhere near the money you stole in your bank robbery, it’s gonna explode and ruin it. If you try to spend it all covered in dye, everyone’s gonna know that you’re a bank robber and hand you over to the proper authorities. It’s kind of like Schrödinger’s cat, but for money. 

Shaq, why did I rob a bank if I can’t spend any of the money?

Great question.

Because you get off on the thrill, you sick f*ck.

So Shaq, what now?

Great question.

If you have a topic that you need FAQ’d by Shaq, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Send your topics for FAQing to @TheNicessist or @ShaqMucReal on Twitter.

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