Hello. My name is Mark Carbonza. I am afflicted by many irrational fears and aversions. This column is dedicated to my journey in explaining my fears, but then conquering them.
This week’s fear is that whole Whip/Nae Nae thing. (Silento – Whip/Nae Nae)
Look. I get it. It’s ridiculous for me to be freaked out by this whole craze. “It’s just a dance”, “It’s fun”, or “What’s a Nae Nae?” PISH POSH APPLE SAUCH. That’s a big “No, it’s not!” times two and “I have no idea!” to that, my friend!
WHY IT FREAKS ME OUT
Many, many reasons.
For one thing, it came out of nowhere. One day, we’re just dropping it like it’s hot because it’s a goddamn classic, and the next, people are whipping and Nae Naeing. That’s scary. You ever seen a horror movie or a really dramatic scene in an action flick? Somebody is hiding in the darkness, then bam! SCARY! STOP IT!
Next: people telling me what to do when I can’t see them. Especially when the instructions are to “watch” that person. WHERE ARE YOU?! Also, I abhor being told what to do. I also have a hard time with this so quickly becoming the cutesy thing public figures and old people are doing now. It’s terrifying watching possible future leaders awkwardly push their fists forward…when THEY SHOULD BE TAKING THE LEAD AND OH YEAH LEADING OUR NATION! WHY DON’T YOU PUSH YOUR FISTS TOWARD DEMOCRACY, POSSIBLE FUTURE NATION LEADERS?
OH?! NO RESPONSE?! HUH! I THOUGHT SO!
WHY YOU SHOULD BE FREAKED OUT BY IT
What? My reasons aren’t good enough? How dare you!
THE PLAN OF ACTION
For this Conquership™, I have divided my task into sections, each tackling what dislike about the phenomenon: Watch the music video, watch the video of Hilary Clinton “whipping” and subsequently “Nae Nae”-ing, venture to a club, request the song (NO DANCING), participate in the phenomenon.
1. Watching the Music Video.
For the first segment, I decided to watch the music video. (Insert photo of Mark watching music video).
This would be to get a sense of where this whole thing came from. I then clicked on a couple of interviews with the artist behind it, Silento. I found out a great deal about him! For example, I know that he aspires to own a pet tiger and loves breakfast for dinner. I’d say this is progress.
2. Watch the video of Hilary Clinton “whipping” and subsequently “Nae Nae”-ing.
This was the toughest part of the Conquership™. (Insert photo of Mark holding head in hands, mascara running through his fingers)
Watching Hilary Clinton, a respected Democratic candidate in the Presidential Election and former First Lady of the United States of America indulge in this thinly veiled attempt to reach out to the youths was terrifying. She so blindly followed Silento’s orders without so much as watching an interview with him or reassuring the audience that she is at least aware that she can also choose not to whip or to Nae Nae. But she does it. Without hesitation. I no longer wish to watch you whip, Mrs. Clinton.
3. Venture to a club, request the song (NO DANCING).
At this point in the Conquership™, I would say that my fear is pretty much gone, thanks to step one. I guess what I have a true fear of is mind control. But Silento is simply a musician who is barking orders at sheep in human clothing and humans in sheep clothing, but also humans in leather and fish trap clothing. This step proved difficult in that it required me to remain still while the song played. I did manage to stay still and not run out of the club while Whip/Nae Nae played. I left the club feeling pride swell in me. I’d say this is more than progress. It’s WHOAgress™!
4. Participate in the phenomenon
This step, surprisingly, was the most fun. I completed it in two sub-steps. Once without a blindfold, and once with a blindfold. (Insert two pictures of Mark, side by side: One of Mark standing with a blindfold and one without)
What was fascinating is that without the blindfold, I began to watch others Whip and Nae Nae while singing along and felt a comfort knowing that they were doing it for themselves. Their happiness drove them to sing along and beg to be watched.
The second attempt, blindfolded, I took the centre of the dancefloor and applied the fabric to my face. I began to shout the lyrics to the song: “Watch me whip. Now, watch me Nae Nae.” I danced the choreography and removed my blindfold to reveal the crowd that had assembled to watch me. They seemed impressed and bewildered.
I am no longer welcome at that yacht club, but I am also no longer a prisoner of my fear.