The Nicessist Guide to Being a Post-9/11 Asshole


9/11 sucked – this isn’t news to anyone who was born before 2005 but it goes without saying that if you were born after 2005, you shouldn’t be reading this blog anyway. Go get some warm milk and your jammies, child. It’s past your bedtime.

I’m not here to argue the legitimacy of conspiracy theories or whether or not the US deserved to get their shit rocked. The fact of the matter is that 9/11 was 14 years ago and it’s time to move on. It also made really great headline bait for you to click this and become immediately pissed off. See how that works? Not even you are immune from the most primitive form of trolling.

Welcome to the internet –enjoy your stay.

There were some obvious changes after 9/11, mostly pertaining to how western society conducts itself and how the parameters of living were set. I won’t bore you with the bureaucracy of it all, but in short, everyone became a total asshole.

It was all “me me me – my security over your rights. Me first in line for the water slide; I don’t have wait in line with you common folk.”

What an asshole you’ve become. It’s about damned time someone called you out on it.

Don’t get down on yourself though. The world is so full of your kind now that it’s almost impossible to stop the tidal mass of pricks that wander the streets because of their sheer volume. I say, to hell with being a salmon that fights up the current towards what is true and just. That’s just too much damned work.

Indeed, the only solution towards a happy and prosperous life is to assimilate with the assholes and blend in perfectly, like a chameleon having steamy coitus with an octopus in the back seat of a Pinto at the drive in.

We here at The Nicesisst honestly cares about your well being, which is why we’ve assembled this quick tip guide on how to become an overnight asshole. This is the quintessential guide towards post millennial social conduct and likely the most important thing you’ll ever read. Hell, it may even be the most important day of your life – so learn quickly or suffer.

Being an asshole has never been easier:

Have an opinion on everything!

Literally, everything. It doesn’t matter if you have no prior experience with the topic at hand, or even if you’re just learning of its existence. What matters is that you take an immediate stance without doing any sort of research and then fighting tooth and nail for whatever opinion you’ve chosen. Logic and rationale be damned.

Blue pen ink cures cancer? You’re fucking right it does. Lowering taxes on the middle class would benefit the economy? You may as well be finance minister. Cars should be replaced by bicycles? Suck a dick, you hippie fuck. Next question.

Complain to companies!

Whatever level of service you received isn’t enough for your gold plated ass and the product was below your shimmering standards for quality. This means war.

You’d better send emails, letters, phone calls and maybe even visit corporate headquarters to make sure your voice is heard and compensation is met. You’re better than everyone else who shops here and deserve free stuff in light of your glowing track record. Go take what you deserve while tying up company resources and earning the distain of their front-line service staff, ruining it for everyone who has legitimate qualms you magnificent piece of shit.

Publish your life via selfies on social media!

Christ you’re good looking, and having a great hair day. Better FORCE your way in to someone’s life by posting a selfie with a bunch of ridiculous hashtags on facebook. People will appreciate how much better your life is compared to theirs and if they don’t, they’re just jealous groundlings with nothing to live for. Your popularity and self worth is measured by the amount of likes and hollow, empty comments you get from idiots who are trying in vain to have sex with you. No positive reaction within 10 minutes?

Don’t worry – just delete it and show a little more skin next time.

Be careful with this one, as there is a lot of evidence that a reliance on social media is often a by-product of depression and bipolar disorder. So be safe and hammer a few dozen Zoloft before you partake.

Take public transit!

Everyone on the metro is kind of in your way and it’s really annoying. It’s not your fault you can’t afford a car – it’s a down economy and you just had to have those Gucci shades that cement your upper social standing. Your bag would be riding shotgun with you if you had a car so of course it can occupy the seat next to you. The people taking public transit with you are poor and have made poor choices to be there, which makes them subhuman. Treat them as such.

If you can perfect these four techniques, you’ll be a certified asshole in no time and will be indiscernible from the average joe walking down the street. In case you need a leg up on the competition, listening to shitty EDM music and being rude to service people could give you the advantage you need. If all else fails, just call everyone “bruh”.

Now get out there and show the world just how much you suck.

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