NHL 2015-16 Preview: TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS ARE OFFICIALLY COCKS

babcock-leafs

Cock this, cock that.  We’ve been listening to cock jokes for the last 6 months while anxiously anticipating the legendary Detroit Red Wings coach’s next move.  Ultimately, Babcock chose a new challenge (and boy, what a fucking huge challenge) over stability or a shot at another cup, and now he’s firmly entrenched in the media shitstorm known as Toronto.  

 And just as we were finally getting over ‘cock jokes, Shanahan and the Leafs’ shiny new front office poached the NHL  executive most resembling a shrivelled old penis in Lou Lamoriello.

New coach, new GM, new front office – it’s a time for trepidatious hope in Leafland.  Rebuild #5 out of 10 is going to be long and painful, but according to my magic 8-ball, not as long and painful as re-build #8 which by my estimation will start in approximately 2031.  Things started off with a huge bang, as the Leafs traded their only viable offensive threat, Phil Kessel, for prospects.  Did they have to trade him to the Penguins?  I guess if you’re going to be a basement team for a few years, you may as well screw over every other eastern team in the process.  Plus, you can put together the league’s ugliest yet most offensively dangerous duo in the league by putting Kessel on the wing with Malkin.  Sign Olli Jokinen and put him on the other wing!

Until the prospects pan out, this is going to be a shoestring team held together by Babcock’s coaching (if anything).  Leafs fans can expect a lottery pick next year.  The big acquisitions this summer were, in order of crappiness: PA Parenteau, Shawn Matthias, Nick Spaling, Daniel Winnik.  Pro Tip: I didn’t put them in any actual order, because I don’t know who any of them are.  Except PA Parenteau, that guy is a huge floater.

Listen.  I’m going to be completely honest: the Leafs are literally my least favourite team in the NHL.  It used to be Boston but then I kind of grew to respect the Habs-Bruins rivalry.  When the Babcock decision was announced I dropped to my knees Darth Vader style and yelled “NOOOOO.”  I wish, and I expect, for every Leafs prospect to turn into a huge bust.  The Habs could trade PK Subban to the Leafs and I would hate him.

But while I’m being honest, I have to play devil’s advocate: the Leafs are on the right track.  They’re still super far away from the playoffs, but they’re building the team the right way.  A successful franchise starts in the front office, then trickles all the way down to the players, and the Leafs have put a true hockey thinktank in place.  It’s only a matter of time.  Coincidentally, the Leafs re-build timeline runs parallel with my soul’s timeline for shrivelling up into nothingness.


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