Brooke Henderson Crushes LPGA Event, Firms Up Just How Useless You Really Are

Canadian golf-phenom, Brooke Henderson is only 17 years old, which makes us want to curl up and die right after applauding her achievements.

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Brooke Henderson took the LPGA competition to the cleaners this weekend winning the Portland Classic in grandiose fashion.

Just how dominant was Henderson? She set a tournament record scoring 21 strokes under par and winning the event by eight strokes. For those of you who don’t know how golf scoring works, Brooke could have played an additional two holes in her final round and still have comfortably won the event.

She’s also the first Canadian to win an LPGA event since 2001 and is putting her hometown of Smith Falls, Ontario back on the map; formerly made famous by the now closed Hershey Chocolate Factory turned massive medical marijuana grow-op owned by Tweed Marijuana Inc. (wait a minute, Smith Falls sounds like a bad ass place to live.)

What truly makes Brooke Henderson’s victory astounding is that she is but a child – a mere 17 years old.

She was born in 1997…. nineteen ninety-freakin-seven. What was your dumb ass doing in 1997? Probably enjoying some trashy grunge album in cut off denims waiting for the next episode of Beavis and Butthead to roll through because you didn’t get tickets in time for the Batman and Robin matinee?

I’m all for young athletes to rise to the top of their game and stake their claim in the glory of championship sportsball contests. These athletes will not only entertain us groundlings for the foreseeable future, they’ll set the precedent for future competitors who will force the development of athletics, bettering us as humans. They’ll become role models – heroes to some and heels to others.

We need folks like Brooke Henderson to show us that dreams can come true. It’s really all you have once you become old, fat and impatient (like those of us who contribute to The Nicessist).

It goes without saying that winners are born winners thanks to genetic advantages and a little thing called talent, but the amount of work that is required to achieve a feat as impressive as Brooke’s is unbelievable. The common man struggles enough with a 40-hour work week, let alone the high octane schedule of an elite athlete.

Henderson is performing all of these feats, and she was born in 1997. Did I mention that already?

I encourage you to watch the final putt of her victory as she is showered in champagne, which she isn’t even old enough to consume legally in North America (though she will be able to soon in Quebec. Thanks, Quebec!). Let it be a reminder to you that any dream, no matter how lofty, is possible.

Brooke was born in 1997 (does no one else find this fucking unbelievable?) – you’ve had quite a head start on your dreams. So what’s holding you back?

Stop being useless and do something about it. (Although, we’ll accept being completely devoid of any talent as a perfectly fine excuse.)

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