FAQ’d by Shaq: Freemasons

FAQ’d by Shaq #8. The Nicessist’s resident expert Shaq MacNeil answers the most frequently asked questions about the group that holds back the electric car and makes Steve Guttenberg a star: Freemasons. 


Shaq, who are Freemasons?

Great question.

First of all, forget everything you might have picked up from watching National Treasure half asleep on an airplane. They are not an organization descended from the Knights Templar, hoarding the world’s most spectacular treasure.

The Freemasons began as a fraternity of stonemasons in the 1300s in Europe and by the 1700s it hand transformed into a brotherhood that boasted spirited debates. Nowadays it’s just a secret club that people belong to in order to make themselves feel important.

Shaq, if Freemasons aren’t hiding treasure, then why they so secretive?

Great question.

The secret handshakes, passwords and symbols are merely a way of easily identifying members, something that would have been particularly useful in the information-starved 1300s.

Shaq, is Freemasonry a religion?

Great question.

No. Freemasonry is not a religion. It’s a secret club. Masons encourage their members to already belong to an established religion, although it’s apparently not required anymore.

While there’s no doubt that belonging to such a secret organization may provide the same sense of purpose the religious derive from their faith, Freemasonry has no clergy, no sacraments and does not promise salvation to its members. Just love.

Shaq, no but really, why are they so secret?

Great question.

Perhaps because their secret lodges only have capacity for 60 and enough food for 70? Logistics and making sure that there are no hurt feelings between members (“Mark, you already brought two friends last meeting!”) is the best answer I can come up with.

Their secrecy has been detrimental to them. It’s what’s spawned accusations of Satan-worship and hedonism.

Shaq, did Freemasons write the US Constitution?

Great question.

13 of the 39 signers were allegedly Masons. But you know why you shouldn’t worry whether or not the founding fathers were freemasons? 39 out of 39 were Americans. Country over secret society, always.

Shaq, do Freemasons want to take over the world?

Great question.

Half a million Masons in England are allegedly involved in banking, politics, and government. Even hospitals and universities are often controlled by the Masons.


But no. They don’t want to take over the world. They’ve got their sights set on the moon!

Astronauts in the Apollo program were self-professed Masons, including Buzz Aldrin. Buzz Aldrin famously succeeded Neil Armstrong as King of the Moon after his passing in 2012.

Shaq, how do I become a Freemason?

Great question.

Take up masonry as a trade! They’d have to let you in!

If that doesn’t work, be a straight male above the age of 21, believe in a supreme being (although it’s not necessarily a requirement, say some Masons), have between $30 and $400 to spare for annual membership fees and petition a Freemason for membership.

If that goes well, you’ll be called into interview with the Freemasons. You’ll be asked question about why you want to become a Freemason, if you have the annual membership fees, what your life story is, do you have the annual membership fees, are you familiar with the practices of Freemasonry, do you have the annual membership fee, etc.

Shaq, what are the benefits of being a Freemason?

Great question.

Face time with some bored, rich, connected folks? Companionship? Secret handshakes?

Spend the $30 to $400 and find out!

So Shaq, what now?

Great question.

If you have a topic that you need FAQ’d by Shaq, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Send your topics for FAQing to @TheNicessist or @ShaqMucReal on Twitter.

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