You’re bad at a lot of things. Beer pong doesn’t have to be one of them.
We here at The Nicessist legitimately could not care less about how you choose to spend your time. But should you choose to spend your time playing juvenile drinking games, we want to make sure you’re as good as J.R. Smith, American Pharaoh or that robot goalkeeper.
So shut up and let us mould you into the champion you deserve to be, god damnit.
Today, we focus on something that anyone with a GED and mild cirrhosis of the liver has taken part in: the party ritual of beer pong.
What beer pong beginners need to know
While the roots of the game are entirely up for debate, we can conclude immediately that it’s not a sport and will continue to be address as a game throughout this guide. Sports require athletic feats of balance, flexibility, strength and timing while beer pong requires a face hole, a pulse, a case of beer and a thirst for the sweet embrace of intoxication.
Beer pong rules come in many different forms, some of which are upheld religiously depending on the host, but the essentials remain consistent the world over. Individuals or teams square off by placing a decided amount of cups on opposite ends of a long table. The cups are filled with the decided amount of beer and both teams take turns attempting to lob a ping pong ball in to their opponent’s cups, forcing them to drink the contents of every cup sunk. The premise of the game is so simple that even the dumbest of ‘roided up bros can compete and excel at this game.
Ultimately, this is what this guide is meant to be: a way to conquer idiot meat-headed bros at parties who hopelessly attempt to assert their alpha status by throwing plastic ball into plastic cup.
The last thing I want you to do after reading this guide is to take pride in your newly found abilities to dominate beer pong or parade your prowess around because if you fall in to this category, you’ll lead a one-dimensional life and could use a hobby. No one likes a graceless winner either so don’t be that jerk.
Regardless, winning beer pong is easy and really requires no skill what-so-ever. Here’s how to do it.
Repetition. Repeat. Repetition. Repeat.
Keeping a consistent delivery will give you the edge during even the most hotly contested matches. If you can repeat the same delivery every shot, it will make adjusting from your misses significantly easier and more effective with fewer wasted throws.
For example, I align my elbow with my ulna and radius (those are your forearm bones, stupid) which will naturally draw your wrist in line, keeping your fingers and thumb in an upright position. When delivering, allow your arm to swing like a trebuchet as the ball is your weapon with which you will knock down your opponents’ fortress of cups with every sunk cup.
Remember that release point is of the highest importance – try to release the ball at the apex of your delivery, which should end up somewhere over top of your elbow. This provides a natural arc that will allow your shots to drop in to your opponent’s cups rather than skim over the rims. It’s all about creating the best opportunity for maximum results.
Don’t ever break eye contact with the inside back edge of the cup while throwing. Understanding where you’ll need to hit the cup in order to get it to sink is half the battle and your focus on one location will allow your body to follow what your brain is commanding. This is a trick used by MLB pitchers when they’re looking to locate a tough breaking pitch on the perimeter of the strike zone.
Now that your delivery technique is masterful, we move to the mental side of the game…
Have a strategy.
Don’t play like a dummy, dummy. Always go in to every match with a game plan.
It doesn’t have to be complicated so leave the calculator at home, nerd. Simply pick a cup that you will shoot for in every situation. Try your best to bunch all of your sunk cups together so that the remaining cups will have a partner touching their rim. This grants you a larger margin of error on your future shots as shooting at standalone cups can be exceedingly difficult. The last thing you want is a 7-10 split staring you in the face while your opponents are shooting at cups that are still aligned.
In a brand new match, always aim for the cup closest to you. This will minimize shots thrown over the table and most shots have topspin on them, which means that a hard rim shot could bounce, roll forward and sink in to a cup deeper in the playing field.
Deceive to achieve
Beer pong lacks any code of ethics so do your best to fuck your opponents up when possible. Distractions can range from hand waving and obnoxious yelling to getting naked and putting your disgusting hairy nutsack on the table. You sick fuck.
While distraction techniques can prove effective, they can also earn the ire of your opponents. Keep in mind, you’re at a party and playing beer pong to be social, meet new friends and potentially have sex with them. Use distraction techniques at your own discretion.
Subtlety is the name of the game. You want to distract them without realizing they’re being distracted, making you the god damned champion Houdini’d illusionist of beer pong. While your opponents are shooting, stand in a different spot relative to the back of the table. This simple technique will change the eye level of your opponents and will play tricks on their plane of perception, resulting in more missed shots.
While The Nicessist does not encourage any sort degenerate behaviour, there will be a point in your beer pong career where you’ll be certifiably “too drunk to play”.
This should be the least of your concerns, as winners never quit and quitters end up in rehab. You’re not cut out for rehab anyway, nor can you afford it. You ain’t Lindsay Lohan.
The reality of the situation is that you’ll need to fight through the inebriation and learn to harness the extra level of inner-peace fueled by binge drinking. Use the booze to block out other thoughts or opponents’ distractions and let your severely hindered mind become an extension of your will on the field of play. Center yourself, enter a zen-like state and make it rain cups upon your puny, useless opponents.
Cheat and drink light beer, extending your lifespan at the beer pong table.
Ultimately, beer pong is an exercise in drunken futility which will leave you hollowed and hungover but it’s ok to enjoy the ride while it lasts. It’s a much safer alternative to heroin.
So when you’re on a five game win streak at the king’s court of beer pong and your frosh compatriots want to know the secret to your dominance of a game so simple even an alcoholic dog can play, tell em’ that Bartolo Borracho sent you.