The Nicessist Guide to Baseball

baseball fail
If this was baseball, maybe we’d watch it…

Baseball is boring as fuck and it’s time that we, as global citizens, come to a consensus on the issue.

This is far from news for most of us, but there are still 100 million Americans, basically all of Japan, and a baker’s dozen worth of Canadians who still think that baseball is some sort of productive pastime. The Latin American countries don’t count because the majority of their games are all but massive dance parties in the stands, with men, women and children all shaking their asses to some sort of brass-heavy rumba, no one is focused on the game.

I’ve worked as a baseball analyst for almost five years now for a myriad of different publications and it is without a doubt that the unabashed statement you see above has never been truer. I love the game more than I love my own mother, but sometimes I’m bored out of my skull.

There’s nothing more painful than watching two mediocre starters hash out a less than important match between two sub .500 clubs in the middle of August with zero playoff implications. And yet, this really can’t be blamed on the game itself as this is just how it’s structured – it’s monotonous and long.

Thankfully, baseball is like that dead-end job you drag your carcass to 5/7 days a week. It drains your soul but…there’s some kind of upside.

This raises an eternally important question:

Is baseball really worth it?

The answer is an indisputable YES. Yes a thousand times over. Even after highlighting everything that is wrong with the game above, the investment is no doubt worth it for those special, baseball exclusive moments. Maybe I’m just the sucker who invested all his free time in to learning the game so that I could harvest the handful of fun, meaningful moments for you folks right here.

I want to be that sucker. I am that sucker.

Baseball has blessed us with so many gifts that we just can’t ignore it, nor can we ask it to go away. So let’s enjoy these special moments together:

1) Clothesline From Hell

FINISH HIM
FINISH HIM

Holy fucking shit – this match between the Washington Nationals and the then Florida Marlins could have never had an at bat and every fan would have gone home happy.

Nyjer Morgan was a bit upset at Marlins Pitcher Chris Volstad (who for the record is about six foot eight-hundred and twenty two inches tall) having just thrown behind him in an attempt to plunk Morgan. Gabby Sanchez must think that the monster human being Chris Volstad cannot defend himself, as he races off the bench and absolutely destroys Morgan with a vicious clothesline in the process.

This gif is just wonderful because of how many limbs are seen flailing about after the point of contact and just how slowly the second base umpire is to run in to the fray and start ejecting players accordingly.

2) Rod Allen Chases Fuckboy Pitcher

Here’s another instance of a pitcher throwing at a batter, and the batter being pissed off. I know of every “unwritten rule” in the book but just throw the damned ball over the plate so we can all go home.

Rod Allen, who stands out like a sore thumb as the only black player in this Nippon Professional Baseball match, is plunked and chases down the pitcher to exact his ruthless revenge. The pitcher, who I have no idea is, goes full fuckboy as he races away to the outfield pleading with his team mates to stop the charging Allen. Ultimately after the scrum goes on for a while, Allen gets a few shots in on his man and will hit the showers knowing that he bested a small asian man which he has easly 100lbs on. Way to be the bigger man, Rod.

The inclusion of the Benny Hill theme song on this youtube video and slow zoom on the pitcher’s face is fucking great, so kudos to who ever created this masterpiece.

3) Old Man Tossed To The Ground:

TUCK AND ROLL, DON. TUCK AND ROLL!
TUCK AND ROLL, DON. TUCK AND ROLL

This scrap involving Pedro Martinez and then 71 year old Don Zimmer sort of speaks for itself. Zim wants a piece of Pedro; Pedro abides and tosses Zim by his fucking head. Absolutely savage.

I’m not condoning violence against senior citizens, but where else are you ever going to see a living fossil tossed to the grass by his head?!

Zim turned out to be ok in the scrap and went on to live through his legacy as a genius mind in the game of baseball and not for being TOSSED BY HIS FUCKING HEAD. Is anyone else not blown away by this?!

Pedro Martinez still has no fucks to give.

4) Minor League Manager Has Major Meltdown:

This really and truly is one of the best things I’ve ever seen.

Phil Wellman, seen here in the video, is an authentic American hero. During his time as the manager of the Double-A Mississippi Braves, he had one of the most iconic meltdowns in baseball history showing up the entire umpiring staff, the opposing team and the Gods of baseball themselves.

Here’s a brief summary of Wellman’s masterful work:

  • Wellman leaves the dugout, immediately goes Super Saiyan, spikes his cap on the ground before a word is even said
  • Screaming ensues
  • Wellman rejects the umpire’s strike zone, decides to cover the plate and draw a new one
  • Stomping about ensues
  • Wellman decides that the third base umpire is but a mere mortal, screams in his face
  • Wellman breifly goes Super Saiyan 2
  • Knowing that the game is a farce, Wellman gingerly collects the third base.
  • Wellman then deposits the third base in to center field, bringing it closer to it’s fellow second base like a good family man should.
  • Stomping about continues, with a particular emphasis on a fat-ass cop-esque walk
  • Wellman crawls prone on the ground towards the pitcher’s mound, grabs the rosin bag and lobs it at the homeplate umpire like a grenade in some sort of military style retort
  • Wellman ejects the umpiring staff himself as they aren’t worthy of Wellman’s presence
  • Screaming continues
  • Wellman grabs second base out of the ground, collects the third base and shows himself out of the field of play through the bullpen
  • Kisses and waves for Wellman’s adoring fans conclude the tirade

Wellman; well done…man.


Did anyone notice the fact that all of these “best baseball moments” did not involve ANY sort of baseball play or related baseball events? This is not a coincidence.

Next time you want to enjoy a relaxing evening at the ball park, save yourself some cash. Grab a lawn chair, a couple cold beer and hope a fight breaks out so you can call it a day at the ballpark.


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