For the second edition of FAQ’d by Shaq, Shaq MacNeil answers the most frequently asked questions about the evilest humans ever: twins.
Shaq, where do twins come from?
When two consenting adults love each other very much, they decide to fertilize an ova with a sperm to make a baby. Sometimes there’s a mix up and two offspring are produced.
Either they develop from just one zygote thus creating identical twins and that zygote splits and forms two embryos or they develop from two different ovums fertilized by separate sperm cells.
Shaq, do you mean to tell me that there are two types of twins?
Yes I do. Funny isn’t it? It’s like…too many twos!
There are fraternal twins, or “dizygotic”, which are the type of twins born of two separately fertilized ovums. While these twins don’t look a like, it is required by law that they have a joint-birthday party until one of them dies.
There are also identical twins, or “monozygotic”. This occurs when the zygote splits in the lady’s tummy into two adorable lil babies. While these twins are great at coordinating outfits, you must be careful around them because it’s always possible that they’re playing the ol’ switcheroo on you. Such a mean trick.
Shaq, are twins evil?
Yes, twins are evil. Well, at least one of them is evil.
Shaq, how can I identify the evil twin?
It depends on the type twins.
Identifying the evil twin with identical twins is relatively easy. One must simply look at the one who is prone to accessorizing. Glasses, monocles, weaves, etc.
Fraternal twins, on the other hand, are a bit trickier. Your best bet is to spend weeks following them around. When one of them exhibits aggression towards you for breaking into their home to check for arrest records they may have held onto after being released from prison, you’ve found the evil twin.
When meeting twins, it’s always a good idea to ask to see their butts. 99% of the time will will have a crudely stick-and-poked “EVIL” tattoo on one of the cheeks.
So Shaq, what now?